“Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature” – Marilyn Monroe
I’ll never forget the day I saw my first horse penis. My high-school baseball team and I were on an hour long trip through the New York countryside headed towards our game. For most, the trip consisted of sitting quietly with their headphones on, trying not to fall asleep. The lucky ones however, were awake and alert that day, looking out the windows of our school bus. Out in the distance, like a silhouette in the mid-day sun, we lucky few witnessed a male steed raising his front legs and mounting his female counterpart. What made this sight unforgettable was the size of the horse’s rod, which one member of the team described as “the size of my whole right arm.”
Although we never actually saw the horses get down to business, our young minds could fill in the blanks from the excessive porn we had been watching at the time. There would be other times I would see animals really hump. I’ve been to the party where two people bring dogs and they start to get into position before the owners break it up. Plus, the “Discovery channel” had a damn special on animal sex, and it was everything you’d think it’d be.
What is most shocking about animal sex is they always do it the same way: the position that we humans refer to as “doggy style”. Never once have I seen a lioness lay on her back and take it. I’ve never seen a monkey start the other off by using their hands, or a dog lick another dog where, if I were a dog, I would probably enjoy it. Animal sex is basic meat and potatoes. And that’s got to get boring.
But humans are different! We decide to put all of our education and learning to good use and come up with new, interesting ways we can have sex with one another. We change positions, use toys, tie each other up, pour things on one another, eat things off one another, and do other unspeakable things that I’m not sure how anyone could enjoy. When two lovers get down to business, the safety helmets go out the window and sh*t gets messy. That is why, before you start scouring the internet to find out all the crazy stuff your partner may or may not let you do to them, allow me explain to you the dos and don’ts of how to spice up sex.
Do: Use Toys
Who doesn’t love toys? We’ve been playing with toys since we were kids so don’t be ashamed when people think it’s weird that you also play with adult toys. With so many shapes and sizes, they make a perfect toy for everyone to enjoy.
Don’t: Put Toys Where They Don’t Belong
The toys come with instructions, so for the love of god, read them! It’s like the age old saying “Don’t keep small toys around children because they might choke”. Except, these toys are big and the mouth isn’t the only place we shouldn’t put them.
Do: Talk Dirty
Do you like that? Is that making you feel good? Is this an enjoyable sight? Should I do this, that, or both at the same time? Nothing gets the old ears perking like some good ol’ fashion dirty talk. Mix in a couple uncensored nouns, verbs and adjectives to verbally assault your partner in the sheets.
Don’t: Talk too Dirty
Dirty talk shouldn’t involve any kind of discussion that may ruining the next few days of our lives. Don’t tell me I’m not going to walk straight for a few days: I got stuff to do tomorrow. Don’t tell me you’re going to screw my brains out: I kind of need that to live. Also, don’t insult people. I’m not an A word, a B word, a C word or a Z word (zombie, clearly). I’m here to spice up the sex, not have my feelings hurt.
Do: Utilize your surroundings
The office desk is where we get all of our work done, so why not put some work in on the desk at home? Would you like some whip cream with that hotdog or salad? Why not kick it off at the kitchen? Man, the house is all the way at the top of the driveway, let’s stay in the car and fog up these windows. See where I’m going with this?
Don’t: Ignoring your surroundings
Nothing can ruin a moment more than ignoring exactly where you are when trying to change up the landscape. Watch out for those stove burners: they could still be hot. Lay down on some wood and you might get a sliver somewhere unpleasant. Finally, watch out for walls. I know putting someone on them or getting put up against them is exciting, but heads tend to smash them pretty frequently in those situations. You’ve been warned.
Do: Watch porn
Where is the one place we go when starting our own “Do It Yourself” project or trying to fix something that we’ve never been taught how to fix? Why, the internet of course! In my opinion, why not use the internet for also spicing up sexy time? The internet has millions of videos of people having sex more ways than you probably want to know, so sit down with that special someone to enjoy an instructional movie night with some porn. I bet we could all learn a thing or two about how much the body can actually handle, am I right?
Don’t: Believe that porn is realistic
First off, the situations that some of these porn-stars find themselves in are just plain crazy. The chances of becoming a taxi driver and banging half the people that get into your cab are astronomical. Even disregarding the strange scenarios that occur during porn, it’s just unrealistic that men are going to last that long, women are going to be able to stretch like that, or that people are even going to try some of those moves in the first place. Yes, do some roleplaying. Yes, give some craziness a try. But life ain’t a movie, so don’t think you’re going to go having sex whilst doing a handstand anytime soon.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this instructional first look into the dos and don’ts of spicing up sex. The most important thing to remember is to have fun. Life should be an endless parade of new, crazy experiences and sex is no exception. So enjoy it, and like my dad always said, “make sure you put a helmet on that soldier”.