As the sun shines in through the window of their apartment, a man and woman arise from their queen sized bed to take a shower. Naked as the day they were born, they wash themselves thoroughly before finishing to dry off. They enter their room to select the apparel for the day’s activities. Upon opening their top dresser drawer, they stare blankly at the pile of underwear, perplexed by the number of choices available.
Panties, thongs, boy shorts and briefs frazzle the woman. For the man, boxers, briefs, and a combination of the two wrestle one another in his mind. Does he dare go for the banana hammock? That’s just for date night, he remembers.
Both parties avert their gaze from the drawer to one another. A small smirk from him and a giggle from her share with us the answer to their conundrum. With a jump and a high five, they both scream out “FREE-BALLING!
The subtle art of going commando has held its place in history for men and women alike. While it is difficult to trace back the lineage of the common piece of underwear, an assumption can be made that, no matter the time or place, some people have rebelled against the notion of wearing anything to cover their loins.
The Greeks were amongst the first. They participated in the Olympics naked, presumably for the nimbleness that comes when their junk isn’t pressed up against them.
Christians were next as they received the blessing of baptism in their birthday suit, because God could simply see through underwear anyway…so why bother.
This was social acceptable, however, given the era of such events. Today, we expect to find underwear when pulling down another person’s pants. To find anything else – well – surely we would be shocked and appalled!
Why then, would one forgo a garment that delivers safety and reassurance to the nether regions and “let it all hang out”? What benefits could such an act provide?
Glad you asked!
- The Danger Effect
Everyone loves a thrill right? The excitement of the game, the rush of adventure, the joy of victory; such feelings give us a reason to live. A reason to breathe. So we get crazy.
When the bartender thinks we’ve had enough, we order another drink. When the cook tells us we can’t have a bite until dinner, we create a diversion and sneak a taste of the prize. When life wakes us up and tells us it’s time to adult, the brave stand tall and ignore the calls of decency. “Commando!” they say, “To hell with the rules!”
Let us try to hold in our smile as we walk past the unsuspecting witnesses of our day, for they do not know the dangers that are only a quick zip away.
It’s a shame really to think that our private areas and the pants that we don so proudly never get to meet. The poor boys and girls are like Rapunzel, trapped within the walls of her tower, desperately trying to get out there and see the world.
Let her out, I say! Let her dance and play with those outer breaches. Perhaps a cool breeze will find its way inside the new horizon and make her smile.
- Easy Access
There is no doubt that we hope for a strapping young lad or a fair maiden to remove our trousers and invite us aboard a one-way train to Funky Town.
Funky Town, however, has a strict no clothing policy. All the more reason to eliminate those pesky sexy spot protectors. A quick yank of the drawers and the party begins.
Even more, think of how we would feel when it’s potty time and, to our surprise, we only have to dispose of one layer instead of two. Think of the opportunities that would arise with all that extra time.
- Swamp @ss
By quickly making up a number in my head, it is estimated that 86% of people spend the majority of their day sitting at work. If our work is literally a living hell, there is a fair chance that sweat will accumulate in our undergarments and produce what is commonly known as “swamp *ss”.
For those familiar with the feeling, the effects can be very unpleasant. I have seen many individuals actually inspect themselves in a mirror to ensure that the swamp ass has not spread to become visible on their actual pants. Furthermore, when one removes their pants upon returning home, I fear for any man, woman, or child who might catch sight of a swampified *ss.
Without the tight constraints of that elastic band, swamp *ss can no longer reek its havoc upon our bathing suit area.
- Wedgie Free Living
There are few more embarrassing moments than the times when an innocent bystander catches a glimpse of us unplugging the wad of underwear from between our butt cheeks. “What a savage” they must think. They do not realize, however, that a compaction of cotton will soon make its way up into their *ss crack as well, for the dangers of the wedgie are unescapable to all who live a non-commando life.
Imagine, as well, being on the playground. While we happily build our castle in the sandbox, we are unaware as the neighborhood bully slowly stalks his prey. He pounces like a tiger, preparing to deliver an atomic wedgie that will decimate our anus. He reaches into our pants to find…nothing. He walks away, defeat, his hand now smelling like our poop.
Welcome to the joys of the Wedgie Free Lifestyle.
Whether we decide do it for comfort, to avoid the dreaded swamp *ss, or maybe just to save the $3.99 it costs for a decent pair of cotton britches, embracing the commando lifestyle is a choice that does not disappoint. So next time were forced with the choice of how to protect that sausage or salad, choose to go rogue and enjoy the soothing sensation of free-balling.